Friday, July 15, 2011

ESPY Mania!

You know what The Grammys, Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, BET Awards, and especially MTV Music and Movie Awards all have in common? They are all boring, unentertaining trash. When you mix athletes, musicians, and actors with comedian host Seth Meyers, you are going to get a great show. That’s what the ESPY’s are, a great show. And with that, the first turd (Aaron Rodgers) is walking down the red carpet.

Highlights of the red carpet countdown

1.       Jenn Brown, Erin Andrews, Hannah Storm and Michelle Beadle (best looking, my opinion) all looking real good
2.       Really cool montage of sports moments  throughout the year set to Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah (really good song). Got huge goose bumps.
3.       Highlights of Blake Griffin dunks. Those never get old.
4.       Funny dance-off commercial between John Wall and BJ Raji.
5.       My cuz Kemba Walker on the red carpet. Better win those ESPY’s Kemba!
6.       Brian Wilson’s spandex suit.
7.       Jon Barry’s pick for the celebrity he wishes to see. Sloan (shawty is a 10) from Entourage.
8.       SportsNation’s 3 jeers of the year- Kevin Na shoots a 16 on 1 hole, Steve Johnson drops a td pass in overtime, and the Uconn basketball player who heaves a full court shot with 10 seconds left in the game (the best part, the ball was caught in a cone by a male cheerleader from Texas).
9.       Berman’s top 10 plays of the year. Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch’s run was my favorite. #HMD.
10.   Marc Cuban just said “Done and Done.” Done and done.

Running blog of the ESPYs

8:00 The ESPYs are off

8:01 Another cool montage of memorable moments from the year. Once again get goose bumps.

8:05 Montage of athletes who passed this year. The list included Harmon Kilibrew, Jack Lalaane, John Mackey, Lorenzo Charles, and of course Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

8:08 Seth Meyers is introduced and begins the roasting of every athlete in the room. Of course it is really funny and there are tears running down my face. Just hilarious. The joke that sticks out is of course about how the Heat’s big 3 are called that because they only play 3 quarters.  

8:21 Jon Barry gets his wish and Sloan comes on stage to give out the Breakthrough Athlete Award as I need a bathroom break. Blake Griffin takes the award home but I don’t even care because Sloan is still on stage.  Blake calls Emmanuelle Chriqui, Sloan and gives everybody a chuckle. Atta boy Blake!

8:31 Chris Berman talks about athletes who made comebacks over injuries and tragedies. It’s a feel good time and hopefully it makes all of the athletes feel better about their millions in the bank.

8:33 Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman present the award for Best Championship Performance. I was hoping for my cuz Kemba Walker to win it but Tim Thomas took it down for the hockey community. He gives an awkward thank you speech as a Canadian should. Wait, he’s an American? Shit. Ah whatever, we got the cup!

8:37 Blake Griffin, Tyson Chandler, Adrian Peterson, Ron Artest, and Kevin Love put on a funny skit about what they will be doing during the lockout. It gets a small reception from the crowd but I thought it was funny. What do I know about funny anyways?

8:40 VCU wins the award for the Best Upset which is horse shit because every year some asshole team like them wins a game or 3 that they are not supposed to. Thanks for ruining my bracket, dicks. My pick for was the Seahawks over the Saints just because of the Marshawn Lynch run. #HMD. 

8:51 Andre from The League  and a woman put on a little skit about “the kissing couple” from Vancouver. Hey Canada, if you hadn’t burned down your own country after LOSING the Stanley Cup, that lame ass couple wouldn’t be famous.

8:53 Kemba once again gets robbed of an award. Best Male College Athlete goes to The Jimmer, who thanks his really hot girlfriend who he probably hasn’t touched yet (it’s just not fair), but fails to thank God or Jesus, which was a little strange.

9:04 Time for the Arthur Ashe Award. Get your Kleenex ready. As always, the ESPYs have found an inspiring story to tell. This year it is about a man by the name of Dewey Bozella. His story starts in childhood as he witnesses his father beat his mother to death, followed closely by having his brother stabbed to death. If his life wasn’t dreadful enough, he ends up being wrongly accused of murder. Sent off to a long sentence in jail, Dewey finds boxing and works his way to become the prison’s undefeated lightweight champ. After years in prison, he is given a retrial and with time served he can be free as long as he pleads guilty. Most men would cave into that deal but not Dewey. He decided to remain a free man in prison.  One day in prison, Dewey is given the opportunity to meet the man who stabbed his brother and immediately forgives him because that is the type of man he is. After 5 years of writing weekly letters to an organization called the Innocence Project, he gets a response and finds out that the evidence from his trial has been destroyed. Soon after, 2 rookie New York  lawyers pick up his case and discover that the detective on his case has a copy of his file and is given another retrial. In 2009, he is finally free and instantly forgave those who wrongly accused him. At the ESPYs he gave a heartfelt speech and had most of the crowd glossy-eyed.

9:28 One of the biggest awards of the night, Best Male Athlete. I thought Turd Rodgers was going to take it down because of all the redneck Packer fans voting for him but Dirk Nowitzki took it home. Score 1 for the NBA!

9:33 Serena Williams comes on to talk about title IX but nobody really cares about what she has to say.

9:34 Best Female Athlete is a wash ever year because there is usually one female athlete who sticks out but this year was a shocker and an upset in my mind. Maya Moore got robbed. She won ninety basketball games in a row (I know, I know. It is women’s basketball, but still). What did Lindsey Vonn do besides look hot and win a silver medal at the X Games or some other bull? All in all, I don’t really care but this was a robbery.

9:44 A skit about Dirk’s basketball camp gets a few laughs and stirs from the crowd. It basically makes fun of how his style is very odd and that he is German. I laughed, but again, what do I know?

9:47 Best Game award went to Eagles-Giants. The final play with Desean Jackson dropping the kick then mix-taping the whole Giants team was enough to win it, but the play when Michael Vick ran it in for a td and scoring me 7 fantasy points was huge. Another awesome moment from after the game ( skip to 2:25). I can’t believe that Desean didn’t do anything awesome when he accepted the award. I guess I was expecting too much from him.

 9:57 Capital One gives away $200,000 to Stanford and Florida Universities for their excellence in academics or sports or not getting caught cheating this year. Too bad Auburn didn’t get this last year so they could have paid Cam Newton’s dad a little more to stay out of the news.

10:00 The Jimmy V award went to the wrestler Anthony Robles of Arizona St. who went 36-0 during his senior season. This might not seem that inspiring but he was born without 1 leg. He also gave a heartfelt speech and had the crowd ready to erupt in tears.    

10:12 Something happened here but I didn’t type anything down. Whatever, I guess I’ll just #HMD.

10:15 Highlights of the awards given out before the show started. Just to mention a few, Dirk with Best NBA Player, Turd Rodgers with best NFL Player, and the Boston College football player who beat cancer won Comeback of the Year.

10:16 Once I saw that the U.S.A. soccer was nominated for Best Play, I knew it was over for Desean and Marshawn. As bad as I wanted to Beast Mode to win, it wasn’t going to happen.  

10:22 Fuck Yea! Score 2 for the NBA! Dallas Mavericks win the Best Team award. You might have won the Super Bowl, but the only trophy that really matters in an ESPY. Suck it pack!

Some final thoughts- Seth Meyers did a great job hosting, very funny. The two stories from the ESPYs prove that this award show is the best every year. Great choice of music throughout the show (Party Rock Anthem). Brooklyn Decker, Sloan and Amber Heard are really hot. Finally, happy ESPYs to all, and to all a good night.  

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