Sunday, July 10, 2011

Tailgating Do's and Don'ts

This weekend I visited god’s greatest gift to man, Miller Park.  Miller Park has to be one of the bet atmospheres in all of sports.  The seats are always full, the people are passionate, and most of all, they’re at least two sheets to the wind.

 Miller Park should be in the top five tailgating environments ever.  Being surrounded by a bunch of happy, drunk, and overweight Wisconsinites is great company to be around.
One of the most important parts of attending sporting event is the tailgating, and after observing a few tailgating set ups around the stadium, I have assembled a Do’s and Don’ts list of tailgating. 

Do:
  •          Always bring alcohol.  A cooler full of beer should always be the first thing you pack if you are going to be tailgating.  Even if you don’t bring anything else, bring the booze.  You will be surrounded by a bunch of drunks anyway, so you might as well join them.
  •      Bring a ton of food.  Never think you’re bringing too much.  “Do we really need another pack of brats?” Fuck yes you do.  Plus, there is nothing more satisfying than getting back to your truck at the end of the game, after not spending one cent on food at the park (I mean it is a recession), and getting to mow into the left overs that were still on the grill.  I’ll bring up a couple food don’ts for you later.  
  •     Bring a game along.  Nothing gets the beer flowing like some friendly competition (especially when you attach outlandish drinking rules to them.  BOTTOMS UP BITCH!).  When bringing a game though, bring something that will get everyone involved.  Bags (bean bag toss if you’re a blow hard) might be the greatest game ever created, but it only gets four people involved.  Bring a game like hammer schloggin (you know, the game where you hit nails into a stump,), that way you can drink while playing and everyone can look equally as stupid as you while they miss a nail with a hammer. 
  •       Arrive as early as possible.  Find out when the parking lot opens and get there right then.  Not only will you get the best spot for your tailgating festivities, you will also have three plus hours to get smashed.     
·       Don’t:
  • ·         Don’t eat too late.  Get the grill started right away when you get there, and eat within the first 40 minutes. The sooner you eat, the sooner you digest, and the sooner you get to sucking back grandpas old cough medicine.
  • ·         Don’t get to crazy with the food.   Brats and burgers will do the trick.  Trying to be super chef Bobby Flay will take too long, and will also make you look like a total douche bag.   I don’t care how great your “Super Spicy Game Day Jambalaya” is; my brat probably tastes better and is way more portable.
  • ·         Don’t crowd into other people’s space.  If you have a big group, make sure to be courteous and stay within your area.  If you want to play bean bags, make sure to ask if you can stretch them over your neighbors’ sites and invite them to play with you.   Also, if you only have 2-3 people in your group, don’t be selfish bastards; give the larger group some of your space.  All you need is a small circle around a grill; you aren’t trying to build any monuments out there.    
  • ·         Don’t blast your own stereo.  Listen, music is a great thing to have at your site, but don’t crank it so everyone can hear it.  No one cares that you’re listening to Garth Brooks’s greatest hits, so keep it quiet and everything will be great.
  • ·         Don’t be pissed at the foul language.  I’ll be the first to tell you that I do not hold back the F-bombs when I’m getting a little sauced, but you shouldn’t be mad that I’m yelling it and you’re child can hear me.  Why do you have your kid around a bunch of drunks anyway?  My theory; the parking lot of a sporting event is like a tavern: children can come in when they are with their parents, but they can’t be in there very long.  Also, just get over it.
  • ·         Most importantly, don’t be that guy who wears the visiting team’s colors loud and proud.  I get that you have an undying affection for the Cubs, but you’re just setting yourself up for a night full of insults and offensive slurs.  At least while you’re tailgating, change your clothes.  Also, you like a total ass hole.

So there you have it.  If you follow these simple rules, your tailgating experience will be a great one.  And if you forget all of these rules, just remember one.  Bring the beer and you’re in the clear. 

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