Dear Tiger Woods,
Where the hell did you go? I was there at the PGA championship in 2009 at Hazeltine when it all began to fall apart. If you forgot, it was the first time you didn’t win a tournament when you entered the final round with at least a share of the lead. Y. E. Yang took the invincibility factor from you. Before that, nobody would have even thought about beating you. You were the MJ of golf, squared. 14 major titles in 11 years? You ran golf like a marathon for those 11 years destroying everybody in your way and didn’t give a fuck.
I want more than anything for you to come back and make every other golfer your bitch again. Winning tournaments by 10 strokes, making Phil Mickelson cry, and banging cocktail waitresses in between holes. I want your success more than my own. You are still young, and there is still plenty of time to get to 18 major championships. I think you need to forget the whole image thing because it is smashed anyways. Go back to sleeping with many, many women. Forget being a role model because that’s not your job as an athlete. Just entertain people with your unbelievable talent on the links. Take some advice from the great Charles Barkley: “I’m not gonna raise your kids because I can dunk a basketball.” It’s not your fault there are a ton of terrible parents out there that need an athlete for their kids to look up to. Just get that Tiger drive back and start whooping heads again.
Do what it takes Tiger; get back to winning before I have to start cheering for Rory Mcllroy, or some other foreign chump.
Lounge Chair Legends