Here is a live (well live at the time) running diary of the ESPY Awards on July 12th. It's not my best work, but it was fun doing it. Also, ignore the spelling and grammatical mistakes because I wanted to get this out as soon as possible.
8:00 Alright, here we go! After two hours filled with bad suits and too much Gronk Family Moments, we are finally kicking the show off.
8:05: the "Poor one out for..." segment just started. Of course they had god damn Myra Kraft on there. Didn't we get enough of this during the NFL Season? I understand its sad, but she had nothing to do with sports. She was just married to the guy who owns Tom Brady. Enough.
8:08 Time for Rob Riggle....Ieeeshhh. Not a great opener for ol Robby. A lot of jokes, but the crowd is not digging it, and neither am I. He made a good "teams and people leaving Cleveland" joke (which would have been funny two years ago when Lebron left) and references The Wire. He also made a very funny NASCAR joke, but no one thought it was funny because no body knows anything about Kurt Busch or NASCAR. Also, he muttered the phrase "2 Riggles 1 Cup" which made me laugh.
8:12 Shaun White looks like an ugly, lesbian, Irish chef...Just thought I would say something about it.
8:14 Anthony Davis eyebrow reference number one. I am giving it a over under of four, and I'm taking the over.
8:23 Finally Rob Riggle is off the stage, and we are graced by the presence of Miss Jessica Biel, oh and of course Tim Tebow. Award for Best Breakthrough athlete. Award Goes to Jeremy Lin. Well deserved. It was just like Tebow mania, but this time there was great play from the athlete. Good man, and can't wait to see what he does again next year.
8:27: Before we continue I'm tallying how many times athletes thank god for their play. I'm going over under 5. I'm taking the over
8:34: Here is where the ESPYs lose half of their white audience. Nas is performing and is killing it...to bad nobody else is feeling it in the entire theater (I didn't see Chris Johnson there, but I'm sure he was feeling it). I think I know why nobody cared about Nas. It probably had to do with the fact that he was in the back middle of the theater, and everybody had to turn 75 degrees just to see him. Well planned.
8:40: Well, Matt Kemp recieved the great privilege to present an award with my two dream women; Mrs. Coach Taylor and Hayden Penienenaitianaririri. Best Female Athlete award time. Brittney Griner wins, and looks like Chris Bosh mixed with Wallace from The Wire with a dash of Steven Jackson. She is rocking an incredible pant suit and THANKS GOD! THANK GOD NUMBER ONE! WAY TO GO BRIT! She also referenced two guys, Nash and Julio. I hope one of them is her man, but they have the names of drug dealers, so who knows. I agree with the nation on this award. She dominated everyone she was matched up against and accumulated incredible block numbers. She will be the main point of that team again next year, and she will probably win again.
8:50: INTIMIDATOR SIGHTING!! PUT YOUR 3'S UP!!
8:51: Chris Berman with a retrospect of the last twenty years, and a shot of Mike Piazza which resulted in me going "What the fuck is wrong with Piazza?"
8:52: Really? Kenny Chesney...Is it already time for Nascar Driver of the Year award?...Nope, just Best record breaking performance. Mariano Rivara, Coach K, Drew Brees, and Lexi Thompson are the noms. Shocking, the Fans pick a football player over Mariano who set a record that wont be broken. I think Brees's record performance is less significant seeing how the NFL is now such a pass happy league. I can see this record being broke in the next 5 years (put it on the board!). Don't get me wrong I love Brees, but you should give it to the guy who probably won't play again, and set a record that will never be broken.
Brees is taking a retardedly long time for this speech. He mentioned people named Spunk, Reggie, Zeno, Sleezy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, and the rest of the seven dwarfs. GET OFF THE STAGE!!
9:00 I think Trent Richardson meant to say "Don't forget", but it sounded like "God Damn it". And if I don't vote he is coming to find me.
9:00: **Me voting frantically**
9:01: Commercial side note: NO!!! TIM TEBOW'S SHIRT IS NOT COOLER THAN MINE!! MINE HAS BARBEQUE STAINS ON IT!! This is the second time I've seen that commercial tonight. It is now receiving a cascade of "UGGGHHHHS" every time it pops on. Two times is too many and I hope we never see that again.
9:04: Joel Mchale starts to present best game. They show highlights of the Niners vs. Saints game. Is it wrong that I think it's hilarious when Vernon Davis starts crying? Niners vs. Saints win and another win for football. It took me a long time to identify a bald Vernon Davis who accepted the award. He was wearing an incredible crushed velvet jacket though. Unfortunately we didn't hear a peep out of P Will, but we did get a healthy dose of awkward silence from fucking Jimmy.
9:12ish? Arthur Ashe Courage time. Get your Kleenex everyone. Pat Summit is the nom this year. She started coaching when she was 22 years old?...oh wait, women's basketball 30 years ago...yeah I could do that too. JOHN THOMPSON SIGHTING!!! I needed them Kleenex. God damn. The shit she went through and the impact she had on all those girls she coached...it's incredible. She was a pioneer in the development of women's athletics and you also have to love the relationship between Pat and her son. Short and sweet speech. Well done Pat. Mad chills.
Side Twitter Note: Norm McDonald tweets about Summit: "OMG I just remembered I've met this lady, like 50 TIMES!"
"But wait, in all fairness haven't we all forgotten these championships?"
And that was your Norm McDonald Twitter Break.
9:34: Blake Griffin and Kevin Love had a funny segment talking about Riggle's night in Vega that involved a hooker, and the phrase "never seen one man drink that many fuzzy navels". Griffin killed it. So funny.
9:38 Comeback athlete: Stafford better win this! He's up against Sharapova, Johan Santana, Sidney Crosby and....YEEESSSS!! SUCK IT!!!
From going through season ending injuries two years in a row, to throwing for over 5,000 yards, you better win an award. He also makes a classy comment about Detroit making a comeback too. What a great human being. I cried a little.
9:46: Olivia Munn and Shaun White are presenting the Best Upset Award. The L.A. Kings win it for their incredible run through the playoffs. An eight seed winning anything is a big deal, so I can dig that. I would have liked to see Lehigh win it though. A fifteen seed in the NCAA Tournement beating a powerhouse two seed is pretty awesome if you ask me. And yes I know Norfolk was a fifteen seed too, but they didn't beat Duke.
9:57: Zooey Deschanel and Aaron Rodgers present the Best play Award...and it got deleted off my notes, so I totally forgot who won. It was really cool though.
10:03: ANOTHER TIM TEBOW COMMERCIAL FOR THAT FUCKING T SHIRT!!
10:06: Best Moment award time. I want Bubba Watson to win this one. Great story and seems like a guy you could just hang out with. But Tebow's throw to Demaryius Thomas in OT wins it because America hates me, and they suck! Are you kidding? It was a very shocking moment that they upset the Steelers, but come on people!
I lost count of the Jesus moments, but I will start it back up with Tebow who receives at least 3 Jesus's worth of Jesus Mentions.
10:12: Jimmy V award...get your Kleenex out again. These always get me. Oh god damn it! It's this guy. Eric Legrand went to Rutgers and was paralyzed after a fourth quarter hit on the kick off team. He is so upbeat and determined to walk again. What a great dude. I had to dry my eyes after that one. He recently signed a contract with the Buccaneers, which marks another dream of mine achieved by a disabled person.
Funny Norm McDonald Tweet update: During Legrand's speech: "This guy makes that forgetful basketball lady look like a coward!"
Funny Norm Mcdonald Tweet #2 about this guy: "These idiots in the crowd need to show some class and SIT DOWN!!"
Funny Norm McDonald Tweet #3 about this guy: "I don't know what a Perseverance Award is, but I have a feeling it would suck to win one."
And that was another Norm McDonald Twitter break.
10.:28 Jason bourne presents the award for Best Male Athlete. Rodgers, Lebron, Verlander, and Djokavic all nominated. Lebron wins it, and deservedly so. Leading one of the most dominate NBA teams through the playoffs, and averaging a double double in the finals. Also, winning your third MVP award isn't too shabby. Good win, and you saved another ESPY from going into the greasy hands of Aaron Rodgers.
10:33: OH PLEASE STOP!!! PLEASE!!! NOT ANOTHER GOD DAMN TEBOW COOL SHIRT SHIT COMMERICAL!!
10:34: Commercial side note: I really want John Kruck to fall down those god damn stairs...just once.
10:37: Danica Patrick and Steve Nash with the Team of the Year Award noms. The Miami heat win, which is just great. But with a questionable move, Juwan Howard and Mike Miller are accepting the award. If you could pick any two players to represent your team on a prime time television award show, I would choose these two. Juwan Howard moved his head like 100 times and made a few awful Jokes. Their speech ended with both of them awkwardly looking around the stage to see if it was alright for them to be done. it was an incredible awkward way to end the ESPYs.
I have to say that the ESPYs this year were lack luster. Riggle really didn't do a great job of hosting. He had great bits, but when he was required to be live during the show, it seemed that he was very green. But no funny athlete moments, and the awards weren't too shocking on who the winners were. But it was a celebration of sports and that is always a great thing.