Friday, July 27, 2012

2012 Olympic Preview

Eric Walker

As you probably have heard by now, the 2012 London Olympic Games are here and under way. The opening ceremony isn't until 3 pm today but some exciting stuff like Women's Soccer has already begun. London is one of those historic destinations with beautiful scenery but is full of those red coat bastards just like Italy is full of dirty Tony Sopranos. I'm not letting America off the hook here either because we are the same way, just with dumb people. In Men In Black, Tommy Lee Jones once said, "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it." Take a look at our constitution and what does it start with? We the PEOPLE. Well, back to the Olympics, each or most events are going to get a review to determine if they actually belong in the Olympics and a preview if they make the cut.

Scoring system of 1-10 E's in the word sheit(from Clay Davis of The Wire) will be used. 1 E being why the hell is this an event and 10 E's being of course this belongs.


Sure archery belongs in the Olympics but they give out team medals on the 2nd and 3rd days of the  games. I don't even know why the U.S. is in this event, we haven't used the bow an arrow since the 1700's or so.


Yea, I didn't know what this was either until I clicked on it. Athletics is just Track & Field and consists of 30+ events. These events basically founded the Olympics so they get 10 E's for sure. The main events to watch here are the men's sprints but primarily the 100m and 200m because of The Fastest Man EVER, Usain Bolt. A good way to get into the swing of this event is to get drunk and play these events on Xbox Kinect because nothing beats running a 6 second 100m. Suck it Jamaica, U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Badminton, Beach Volleyball, Volleyball-shit(there are no e's here because they are just trash)

Things that can be done drunk, in the back of a bar, on a Tuesday night shouldn't be in the Olympics.


This is how important this event is, if the United States doesn't come home with a gold medal, they can't come home. Kind of like the North Korean athletes(they get killed if they don't win), the players will be exiled to some dump like Greenland. I mean, we invented this damn game, we better win it. About the comments Kobe made on beating the Dream Team, what else did you want him to say? Nah, we'd lose real big? Eli Manning made a preposterous statement about being as good as Tom Brady and what did he do? Oh yea, beat him for his 2nd Super Bowl ring which is a hell of an accomplishment for a man with Downs Syndrome.

Cycling: BMX, Mountain Bike, Road, Track-shEEEEEEEit

I grouped these all together because a bike is a bike and there is nothing really exciting to talk about.  BMX should just stick to the X Games doing nack nack gnarly mctwist corkscrews or whatever but the other 3 can carry its weight. The Tour de France is the most grueling endurance event on the planet and if you disagree with that, hop on a bike and ride 2,200 miles up and down mountains for 3 weeks. See you in a year.


The only reason that this made the cut is because every time one of those clowns jumps, I am cheering for him to jack his head up(think Greg Louganis) like a crash during a Nascar race(Dallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle).

Equestrian, Fencing, Rowing, Sailing-bullshEit

When I think of all of these, I just get annoyed. The rich, gated community bitches of the world need something to do and watch so I guess they can have these to because nobody cares. It seems like this list is including more and more hobbies as we go.

Football or soccer for all you muggles out there-shEEEEEit down to shEEit(I'll explain)

Soccer has the World Cup which is more important to the sport than the Olympics so I don't know why they bother with it. As you might have noticed that the rating for soccer went from 5 E's to 3 E's and that's because I found out the U.S. Men's Soccer team didn't even make it to London. We still got the women's team though........


Ahhhhh what? No Nastia Liukin? Shit


This gets one E because it shares the name with the best sport in the world. I couldn't tell you if the  U.S. men or women had a team so like Jay-Z said, on to the next one.

Swimming-anywhere from shEEEEEit to shEEEEEEEEit

The rating will depend on how the U.S. does(I'm talking to you Phelps and Lochte). What are we, like 1 of 5 countries in the world that have water clean enough to swim in every day? We better lock up 20-25 medals just in this category.


Tennis is a global game and we have Andy Roddick. He has Brooklyn Decker so if you do the math, I don't care about Andy Roddick because I may be jealous as hell. Rafa Nadal is my homie anyways so I hope he snatches up the gold like a 5 year old without a parent.

Triathlon, Decathlon-shEEEEEEEit

I recently competed in a decathlon and placed 3rd which was sooo exhilarating. Nah, I'm just kidding. 3 events in 1 is too much but a decathlon has 10? Madness, I tell you, madness! To be real though, both of these events are insane and you are insane for trying them. I did actually run a 5k the other day and it suuuucked. How does one train enough to compete in 10 events and not die? I was going to give it some more E's but my computer is all out, ExcEpt that onE and that onE. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

The closing ceremony is a few weeks away but I will end mine with a prediction and a suggestion. My prediction is that the U.S. will win enough gold to make Mr. T. happy and I suggest that the Olympic Committee incorporate a new event in 2016, The Hunger Games. Let the top 16 or whatever countries send their best fighter into the dome to see who the best really is. That doesn't sound right does it? Alright, 16 of the poorest countries send their best and they duke it out to take home not a gold medal, but a 4 year supply of food for their country. Calm down, it was Suzanne Collins' idea, not mine.

Let the games begin!

Eric Walker
The Lounge Chair Legends

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