Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Real World Recap Ep. 5: Well That Was Quick

Well, we finally got our first full episode that featured the Exes and boy oh boy has shit changed in a hurry.  We’ve heard a lot of talk about these exes from the original six members of the house (who will now be referred to as the “OG6”) that we weren’t really quite sure who still had feelings and who didn’t.  Feelings changed after every phone call so I wasn’t really sure what the current state of emotion was between the OG6 and their significant ex lovers.  But, like a puppy who shit in the house but still gives you those “I’m sorry, I know you’re mad but I still love you” eyes, it seem likes the OG6 are all rushing back into the arms of the ones they once adored.  It was a very intense episode that featured rekindled love, feats of incredible leaping abilities, and a potential break up.  Let’s box jump into this, shall we?

Let’s start off with the main focus of this episode, which seemed to be the relationship between Jenny and her ex Brian.  First off, I want to say that Brian may be one of my most favorite people ever on the Real World.  Not favorite in a “he’s actually a great person” type of way, but favorite in a “he’s just a jackass” type of way.   The minute that he walks through the doors and meets the OG6, he starts staring daggers at Cory.  He even states at one point in time, after Cory walks through the kitchen, “Oh this is going to get interesting.”  So you know he’s pretty much there to pound Cory’s face in at the drop of a hat, which I’m cool with.  But we also find out that Brian is an intellectual as well…if you’re definition of an intellectual is someone babbling nonsense words to describe their feelings.  When Jenny brings up the fact that he has a temper in an interview with the producers, Brian responds with this gem: “I wish that I wasn’t so erratic within my emotions.  I wish that I could not set a pattern with an extreme behavior within a negative realm.”  Unbelievable.  Brian also gives us a display of his vastly superior athletic ability where he jumps up onto a window sill after asking “think I can box jump this?”  After he proves that he can he instantly starts looking for more challenges around the house.  This guy is amazing.   I can see why Jenny fell for him.

So after the initial shock of her ex living in the house finally sinks in, Jenny throws on a fresh set of makeup and gives Brian a tour around his new digs. This tour includes Jenny describing the bed that she lays her head (and rode Cory in) as “their” bed, as well as a heated argument over what has transpired over the past six weeks next to the shower (WHICH IS SACRED GROUND!  THOSE SHOWERS ARE ONLY DESIGNATED FOR DAILY HYGIENE AND HOT, SOAPY LOVE MAKING, JENNY!  SHAME ON YOU FOR DISCRASING THAT HOLY PLACE! SHAAAAAAAME!)  

Let me take a side step here and talk about Jenny’s moral standings real quick.  About midway through the episode Brian brings up a hypothetical situation that includes him taking a girl back to the house to hook up.  As we all could have guessed, Jenny was not a big fan.  She said that if he ever thought about bringing a chick back home that she would instantly get everyone to vote his ass out of the house.  This is coming from a girl who just had Cory’s crank in body no more than 48 hours ago.  At this point they are still broken up, right?  So I just don’t get it.  Ladies, maybe you could help me out here. If you broke up with a guy, and also had many angry, tear filled phone calls over fucking other people with this person, shouldn’t you not give a shit about them anymore?  It just seems like a complete double standard.  Just because your ex is within eye sight doesn’t mean that you can control what he does again.  I don’t know.  It was just very frustrating to me.  Maybe that’s why I’m still single.  I’ll never understand chicks.

Anyway, back to the measure at hand.  After a few rough days between the two, Jenny and Brian finally have a heart to heart where Jenny confesses that she wants to work things out with Brian and also tells him that she loves him.  LOVES HIM!  This then triggers and epic synchronized double tear cry from Brian and it seems like everything is great again.  It has been two whole days since Jenny was plowed by Cory and a day and a half since Brian stepped into the house and Jenny is already back in love with him.  Good lord.  Big muscles and an IQ similar to a sixth grader must do a lot to an attractive woman’s heart.

We also learned on this episode that the relationship between Jamie and Tom is shattering worse than a cannon ball through a wine glass.  This storyline can pretty much be summed up as “do you still have feelings?”  I swear to God this term has been said on this episode at least two dozen times.  It’s getting to the point to where if you were to make a drinking game out of this phrase being said, you would be calling the ambulance to your house at the half-hour mark because you’ve developed a severe case of alcohol poisoning.  We clearly found out that Jamie has no feelings towards her ex, Cameron, except for violent hate type feelings, but we also find out that Tom is an idiot and still has huge feelings for his ex, Hailey.  In this episode Tom was spotted having heart to hearts with Hailey in the kitchen, on the couch, in the park, in the club, and in her bed while simultaneously feeding her cheese with his bare hands.  Even though he completely denies all of Jamie’s accusations of still having feelings for his ex, we all know Tom is full of shit.  This saddens me because I actually really like Jamie.  In a world where she wasn’t famous because of reality TV and I wasn’t so grotesquely out of shape, I could see us together.  I’m also 100 percent sure that Jamie has mind control powers and uses them on Tom.  I’m on to you, Hailey.  You can’t get your witchcraft past me.

So after the wishy washy “You don’t have to worry about her, we’re together” talk from Tom, the date at the park finally arrives, and Jamie, as well as the other roommates, are out on a mission to try to set Hailey up with a new man.  Well, as we all could probably guess, Tom is not a big fan of this campaign.  You can see Tom a few times during the park scene shaking as if he was staring at the man who killed his entire family.  After a short conversation with Jenny where Tom claims that he “hates relationships”, Jamie comes over and Tom begins to drop the bomb on her just before the episode comes to an end.  Look, I get that Hailey was your first love, and I get that she was the first woman that you fugged, but if you guys broke up there had to be a reason, right?  That’s what I don’t get about any of these OG6/ex couples – why don’t you just move on?  You have that TV exposure now.  There are greener pastures ahead. 

There wasn’t much mention of Jay or Cory in this episode.  Besides Jay talking to his ex, Jenna, he only had a short cameo where we saw him absolutely distraught over the fact that he can no longer get random women’s phone numbers in VIP.  This was Jay’s lifeblood, and the fact that Jenna is taking that away from him sickens me.  How will he survive?  Will he still attempt to limit out his contact list? We will never know.  For the sake of everyone watching, I sure hope so.  Cory was seen a few times throughout this episode just talking to his ex, Lauren.  They had a nice scene at the park where he confronted her about their relationship and he was upset at the fact that with her there, the idea of him or her bringing people home to destroy sexually just isn’t going to happen.  But the main take away from his appearance in this episode is that he once again hooked up in the shower, but this time with Lauren.  This man just absolutely loves these showers.  It’s crazy.  There has to be a rehabilitation center that focuses on wet tile love making, right?  The greatest part of that scene was when Jenny saw them in the shower and looked absolutely disgusted.  I don’t think she was disgusted at the fact that he was hooking up with Lauren, but disgusted in the fact that he had the nerve to fool around with her in the shower.  She loved that just as much as you, Cory.  That was YOUR place.  Don’t bring another bear into the den, man.  Not cool.

With all that said, this season had a lot of promise up until this point.  It looks to me as if we are drifting away from crazy house drama and resorting back to stupid relationship drama. I want The Real World, not Teen Mom 2.  We can see that there will be a lot of altercations between the roommates coming up in the episodes ahead based on the teaser for the rest of the season (as well as a pregnancy.  Please be Jay and his phonebook!), but I still have to believe it’s because of relationships and not because Brian shit on Cory while he was sleeping.  But as long as the booze keeps flowing, and there are pitiful human beings involved, there is always promise. 

The Lounge Chair Legends

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