Monday, April 27, 2015

Furious 7


I finally got my ass to the theater and saw the late Paul Walker (he will only be referred to as my Cuz from now on) in Furious 7. I would have seen it a few weeks ago but the friend I have seen the last 3 films with decided to bust and view it without me. I won't use any names but it starts with a J and rhymes with HOE.

On to the movie and just a heads up, I will be spoiling the shit out of it if you haven't seen it already but honestly shame on you if you haven't by now. The Fast and Furious series is the best franchise ever made and has been known to have just ridiculously awesome opening scenes and Furious 7 did not disappoint.

It opens with Jason Statham (main antagonist) exiting a hospital where he has laid waist to 30+ armed men and decides to blow another up for good measure. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie and it definitely follows suit. I'll just cover the main points and action sequences from here on because only 7 people are going to read this (you see what I did there?).

We first find out that my Cuz has been domesticated and relegated to driving a mini van because he has retired from the game but don't worry, he'll be back.

We look just alike
We also learn that The Rock has somehow managed to pack on another 50 lbs of solid muscle. He then encounters Statham and of course they destroy a whole floor of a high rise before The Rock is blown out of the building falling 80 feet and landing on a car although he did get a Rock Bottom in.

Statham then kills Han and blows up my Cuz's house but big homie Vin is there to save his sister's life. I still have no idea what her character's name is.

Enter Coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell). He is some sort of militia man and offers the crew an opportunity to find Statham so naturally they say yes. The technology (God's Eye) he tells them about is just a blatant rip off of the one used in The Dark Knight to find the joker but Furious 7 gets a pass because it's baller as fuck and has pulled in $300+ million already. 4 straight weeks at #1!!!!

This results in the crew parachuting cars from and cargo plane to rescue the woman who knows where God's Eye is. It's.....christ......I don't even......awesome. Just watch.

The rescue mission is succesful after Vin purposely crashes his car down a mountain (without a scratch to him) and my Cuz saves himself by running up the side of a bus while it's falling off of a cliff (see trailer below). It literally runs in the family. Fun fact: both of these sequences were real, no CGI. If you don't believe that, you can blow it out your ass (LUDA!).

After the rescue, and not to be outdone by the previous action, they head to Dubai to track down God's Eye and what happens with a car and a few mega skyscrapers is just too real not to be true. See 40 seconds in.

Of course things go wrong and the bad guys end up with God's Eye resulting in the crew being hunted down and setting up the final fight. The Rock makes a triumphant return with a mini gun but not before flexing and busting out of his full arm cast that could not have been more than a week old. No, you can't make that shit up and I almost lost my mind when it happened.


"You thought this was going to be a street fight? You're goddamn right it is." Those were the words uttered by Vin before he faced off with Statham on a parking ramp with giant pipes and wrenches as weapons. That would have been a cool enough fight in itself but it escalates and ends with the parking ramp collapsing, Statham slipping away to later be arrested, Vin flying his car off the ramp into a helicopter full of bad guys, attaching a bag of grenades to it, crashing to the ground, and subsequently dying as the grenades go off. Exactly how Vin planned on going out.

But wait! Good guys don't die and Vin miraculously comes back to life with one of his patented one liners, "It's about time". You have to know the chain of events in previous films to understand that but trust me, classic Vin.

Statham is shipped off to a black site where he remarks, "You do know none of this will keep me right?" Enter Fast 8 in 2017!! FUCK YEA!

The final scene starts on a beach as everybody is enjoying their victory and watching my Cuz play with his wife and son. Vin then leaves without saying goodbye and is sitting at a stop sign when my Cuz pulls up next to him and shines that golden Walker smile. They proceed to drive side by side until the road parts and Vin heads one way and my Cuz the other.

Let me tell you, plenty of tears were being shed at this point and I would have been right there had I not been at the theater by myself like a loser but I can't lie and say that my keyboard hasn't had a tear or two on it for my Cuz. I'll never forget that text from a friend, "Paul Walker died." I would have rather received an "I'm pregnant" text.

Simply put, this movie is the greatest thing to ever appear on the big screen and to quote the great Charles Barkley, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it." RIP Paul. I'll keep pouring some out for ya. 

Your Honorary Cuz

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