Saturday, January 9, 2016

2016 Wild Card Predictions

Being the fantasy football God that I am, I'm going to give you my wild card playoff predictions and you can bet your house, kids, and life savings on what I have to say.

Disclaimer: I have been known to make terrible decisions in my day, mostly involving women, but have faith in these picks!

AFC Wild Card #1-Chiefs @ Texans

Chiefs -3.0 (this means they are a 3 point favorite for all you non gamblers out there)

Get the DVR set up so you can just fast forward through this one or just check out Making a Murderer on Netflix instead. The Texans get rewarded with a home game for being just not shitty enough to win their division. Don't worry though, they will not be rewarding their fans with a W this week as the Chiefs have won 10 games in a row and are about to make it 11. With a win on Saturday, Alex Smith will finally earn his place in the prestigious Smiff club joining the likes of Emmitt Smiff, Will Smiff, and of course, founder Steve Smiff.

Chefs 27-Texans 17 (I can't believe this commercial was on YouTube)

AFC Wild Card #2-Steelers @ Bengals

Steelers -3.0

Does anybody outside of Cincy think the Bengals have a chance in this game? Will Marvin Lewis finally get fired (2nd longest tenured coach behind Bill Belichick)? How many catches is Antonio Brown going to have? Many questions surround this game but one that you don't need to worry about is the final score. Even without DeAngelo Williams, TWO TIME CHAMP (1 more than GB's golden son) Big Ben will get the job done. I can hear the rebuttal already, "Rodgers beat Ben in the Super Bowl." That may be true but I was passed out for the 2nd half and didn't see it so it doesn't count.

Steelers 30-Bengals 14 (fun fact, I share the same b-day as Big Ben)

This is for you Slin. "He's a goddamn WARRIOR!"

NFC Wild Card #1-Seahawks @ Vikings

Seahawks -5.0

I know you just beat the lifeless Packers and all but sorry Vikings, Russ Wilson is on fire right now and he is going to light up ugly ass TCF Bank Stadium. He might even send a few embers over to the new stadium and torch that too! All joking aside, the only way the Vikings win this one is if an already injured AP runs for 200 yards plus a couple of scores because Teddy Two Gloves isn't going to get the job done.

Seahawks 35-Vikings 10 (I will always thank the Seahawks for this GREAT memory)

NFL Wild Card #2-Packers @ Redskins

Redskins -1.0

If you haven't noticed already, there is a theme going on so you can imagine who I am going to pick in this one. Kirk Cousins is in "PAY ME" mode and that is going to continue on Sunday. Karen Rodgers and the Packers offense has been stagnant for some time and they are really 9-7 on the year as THAT HAIL MARY DIDN'T COUNT! If Megatron retires after this season, I am going to blame it on that game and the shit bird Packers.

Redskins 26-Packers 20 (OT on a Desean Jackson fake 23 blast with a backside Georgia reverse)

Disagree with my predictions or want to voice your opinion? Don't bother because I don't want to hear them.

The Lounge Chair Legends

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