Saturday, January 14, 2017

2017 NFL Divisional Round Predictions

Well, I went 0-4 last week and when you hit rock bottom like a dope fiend, the only way to go is up. I suppose I could have made the boring ass assumption that all four home teams would win but this right here, this shit right here, right here, this shit, is purely for entertainment purposes only. Onto the divisional round (in Belichick's voice).

NFC Divisional Game #1-Seattle Jesus Christs @ Atlanta Falcons

Line: Falcons -4.5


The best thing Atlanta has going for it right now is the TV show Atlanta. I cannot stress enough how good this show is and you should definitely quit recording one of your 4 CSI programs and replace it with this. On to the game. The Falcons have recently earned the nickname 'Hotlanta' as Matt Ryan is a legitimate MVP contender and they have scored at least 28 points in their last 6 games but Seattle has Russell Wilson. The man who sold his soul to God so he could win football games and bang Ciara. I learned my lesson last week by picking against him and in my mind, Atlanta is still a pretender when it comes to football. Seahawks 30-24.

AFC Divisional Game #1-Houston Texans @ New England Patriots

Line: Patriots -16


Houston winning this game would topple the 'Miracle on Ice' miracle. The spread on this one is the 4th largest in NFL playoff history and that's only because Gronk is out and Brock Osweiler didn't shit himself last week against Oakland. I think Timmy Brady and Sleeves realize the window is closing on a run at Super Bowl #5 and Houston is not going to be the team to stop them. Patriots 38-10.

NFC Divisional Game #2-Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys

Line: Cowboys -5.0


Here we go again with this Hail Mary bullshit. People are losing their minds as if Rodgers is some mastermind when it comes to throwing the ball 50 yards, having a team play terrible defense and Randall Cobb shoving a defender in the back like he's some drunk gym bro at a bar on a Friday night. I mean, get a grip. Thankfully though, Green Bay is headed to Jerry World where Ezekiel Elliot is looking to make a couple of jumps into that Salvation Army bin. The Cowboys put a shellacking on the Packers during the regular season and this one is shaping up actually be a game but I still see Dallas pulling it off. Boys 33-27.

AFC Divisional Game #2-Pittsburgh Steelers @ Kansas City Chiefs

Line: Even


Once again, Alex Smith is on the cusp of joining the exclusive Smiff Club which only has 3 memebers: Will Smiff (founder), Steve Smiff (CEO), and Emmitt Smiff (President). Alex looks to make it #4 and I think he gets in with a signature win against the Steelers. I envision another shootout as in back to back to back 75 yard TD's between Tyreek, Le'Veon, Brown, or whoever else wants get involved. This is my sleeper for best game. Chiefs 31-30.

Disclaimer: I made these picks last night but posted this after the start of the first game. Just being transparent.

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