Saturday, January 7, 2017

2017 NFL Wild Card Round Predictions

What happens when you lead your fantasy squad short of the playoffs for the 4th consecutive year? You follow it up by making wild and controversial predictions about the real thing.

AFC Wild Card #1-Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans

Line: Houston -4.0 (meaning Texans are 4.0 point favorites for all you dumb-dumbs)

I'm not totally sure if ESPN Classic still exists but if it does, this game better be cued up for a 24 hour loop as soon as it's over. How can Osweiler-Cook not end in a high scoring shootout like the Rose Bowl? How can it not go down in history with the likes of Ali-Frazer, Balboa-Creed, and Mayweather-Book. Bert Sugar might even jump out of his grave to give his insights on this one. You get where I'm going with this. This game will single-handedly cause Waste Management's stock to skyrocket as people will be throwing their TVs out in droves. Raiders 19-12. A gross ass score for a gross ass game.

NFC Wild Card #1-Detroit Lions @ Seattle Jesus Christs

Line: Seattle -8.5

I can already picture 69,000 Starbucks drinking hipsters celebrating the W. I mean why not? Russell Wilson has God on his side so the NFL might as well give Seattle the Lombardi trophy. But until that clock strikes 0:00, I'm praying that the Lions can somehow summon up the strength to not end this once promising season on a 4 game skid. Whoever God's dad is, I hope he's on Stafford's side. Lions 24-23 on a  Prater last second field goal.

AFC Wild Card #2-Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Line: Pittsburgh -11.0

Pittsburgh is really an 11 point favorite? I know Matt Moore is on the other side of the field but damn, Big Ben is one blow to the head from turning into a vegetable. Christ, can you imagine Matt Moore vs. Landry Jones? Depressing. At least there would still be Le'Veon Bell and Jay Ajayi to make it watchable. The clusterfuck potential for this one is off the charts right now so I'm going to go out on a limb here and pick the Dolphins 27-17.  

NFC Wild Card #2-New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers

Line: Green Bay -5.5

Kryptonite is defined as someones ultimate weakness. Lately, it's quite well known that Green Bay Packers kryptonite is choking in the playoffs and especially against this red bucket holding, dad bod wielding fella above. All of the pieces are in place for another embarrassing playoff collapse for Green Bay on Sunday and I can't see it ending any other way. Beating the Packers AGAIN in the playoffs might not bolster Eli's resume that much but I am going to enjoy it just as well. Giants 31-17.

Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any foolishly inaccurate predictions.

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