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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 6 Recap

The only team collapsing faster than the Green Bay Packers appears to be YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! Back to back losses to inferior opponents has Coach Walker's team reeling and with key players on a bye in week 7, the slide may continue. Big changes are needed to save this once promising season and antagonizing the whole team is not the place to start.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU BIG BEN! You throw 9 TDs is 2 games then you drop that dud on me when I needed you most? I knew I should have started Cam and you know what? I'm glad your shitty knee is hurt because now I don't have to make a decision on who to start. Get those lame ass crutches out of here and don't come back until you're not trash! Anybody else want some? CHRIST! I've had drunken one stands less embarrassing than all you empty pair of cleats. You make me want to put my head through a goddamn concrete wall!"

There have been some memorable meltdowns in post game press conference history but none as tearful as Coach Walker's today.

"This game just never goes the way it's supposed to. I have a great group of guys in that locker room that deserve to win every week but some bullshit always seems to get in the way. It's like we take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I'm trying my goddamn hardest to take these guys to the promised land and all I want for them is greatness. I can't take another year of coming up short. It's not about me anymore, it's about them."

The complete 180 Coach Walker showed during the press conference is likely an attempt to reconcile with his team but his recent locker room tirade may have cut too deep. A week 7 showdown with HainesHumpsHeifers will tell the story.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 5 Recap

After much build up, the match up between Saratoga Superstars and YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! lived up to the hype. Early Sunday the contest was a low scoring, junk yard brawl. The afternoon saw Coach Haines take a commanding lead followed by Coach Walker battling back late Monday only to end up falling just short of another miracle. The game may not have gone their way this week but YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! is making a strong pitch for a playoff spot.

"Only one man is going to take the blame on this one. Me. I spent so much time thinking about beating Coach Haines that I went into full blonde mode when I hit the waivers this week. Cameron Brate? You play football? I was THIS GODDAMN CLOSE to picking up Jeremy Kerley but I went with your sorry ass. Get the fuck outta here, you're cut. This is far from the end for the rest of you guys. What do you do when you get knocked down? You get back up. What do you do when a Tinder ho turns you down? You get back swiping! WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU LOSE TO A CHUMP ASS COACH? YOU MASSACRE THE NEXT BUM IN YOUR PATH! Get ready for next week. We are going to send a message."

Before any media member could even get a question out, Coach Walker took over.

"I usually have plenty to say but I'll keep this short and sweet. Like I told the guys in the locker room, this loss is on me. I was once told giving your best is the only option, even if it means failure and that's what my team did this week. They gave it their all and I couldn't get the right guys on the field. From here on out, the games, the trash talk, and the charades are taking a backseat. It's time to just win baby win"

From the outside it appears that Coach Walker may be turning a new leaf but those close to his camp believe that his wild pettiness will materialize once again. A week 6 loss to the embarrassment that is Tuff Engines will surely make things interesting.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 4 Recap

Something magical is stirring in Madison, WI and it may have to do with Coach Walker's recent visit to the iconic ice arena where the American hockey team knocked off Russia in 1980. Following a miraculous, 1 point win over Drake's Team For Now, YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! is looking more and more like a team bound for destiny.

"Last year, had you told me that we were in a 1 point game, I would have chalked it up as a loss without even thinking twice. BUT NOT THIS YEAR BOYS! GODDAMN does it feel incredible to stretch this winning streak to 3. I mean that win was sloppier than my last girlfriend but we crossed another chump off the list with the W."

"A couple of you guys were on this team last year when we couldn't figure anything out but here you are leading us to the top. I'm talking about you STEVE SMIFF! Nothing puts a smile on this handsome face like seeing you stiff arm the fuck out of people while scoring TDs. I knew you still had it! You guys go out tonight and enjoy yourselves but be thinking about next week because the only thing I hate more than weight room bros is the thought of losing to that bum, Has Been Haines."

Where do I get a jersey????
The rivalry between Coach Walker and Coach Haines has been a tumultuous one and the next chapter turned a page just minutes after the game.

"You guys want to ask me about that ugly ass game? Hell no. I'm only taking questions about next weeks game against Has Been Haines. You can set the type for your headline next week: 'Has Been Haines Crushed by Rival Walker for First Loss of Season.' Now that is going to sell some papers. This is going to be a bloodbath and I will do ANYTHING to beat him. I would rather run over a family of ducks because I was messing with my iPod than lose to him. I would rather donate both of my kidneys to a dumpster than lose to him. I WOULD RATHER BURN A $100 MILLION WINNING LOTTERY TICKET THAN LOSE TO HIM."  

Some serious words from a coach who is on the cusp of catapulting his team to the top of the standings.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Road Trip: Days 7, 8, and 9

Day 7

Start: Secaucus, NJ
End: Secaucus, NJ
Miles: 0 driving
States: NJ, NY

When I made the comment about hoping that some wild and only in NY shit would happen, I didn't expect a train to derail and take out a station less than 12 hours later. I suppose that's why they say be careful what you wish for.

With our initial plan of taking the train to Manhattan derailed, we decided to take the bus as it was only $7 round trip. From the bus depot it was an Uber ride (my first) down to the 1 World Trade Center building and 9/11 Museum.

We didn't end up going to the top of the tower as it was an hour wait but the museum was quite interesting and had a ton of things to take in.

The museum was housed in the lower levels of one of the original towers (or both, I don't know) and as you can see above, parts of the original foundation still remain. We probably spent 2 hours in the museum and that could have easily been 10 had we decided to read and look at every exhibit.

On the list of those killed.
From there it was another Uber ride (my 2nd) back to Times Square where we would spend the next few hours tooling around before hitting up a play. Times Square is basically one big advertisement with tons of people trying to sell you useless trash like mix-tapes of which, I bought 3. There were people dressed up as Iron Man, the Statue of Liberty, and chicks making their mothers proud by getting body painted. Definitely a place to just hang out and people watch.

After we killed a couple of hours, it was off to Broadway to see The Color Purple. 30 seconds into the play my mom was tearing up as this was an item on her bucket list. The play ran about 2 hours with a break in the middle which was just about my limit as I was too tall for the seating. I would have chosen The Lion King or The Book or Mormon but overall, it was alright. I will say that every cast member could sing better than 90% of the garbage on the radio these days though. After a standing ovation, it was back to the bus and back to New Jersey.

The stage.
Day 8

Start: Secaucus, NJ
End: Somewhere near Cleveland, OH
Miles: 476
States: NJ, PA, OH

The only thing left other than driving was to stop at the Flight 93 National Memorial in Pennsylvania. If you can picture the COMPLETE opposite of downtown Manhattan, that is what lies in the Allegheny Mountains just north of Shanksville, PA.

The crash site.
One can see why Flight 93 is the "forgotten" piece of 9/11 even though the memorial is countless times more personal as you are able to put a name to a face of all 40 people that were on board. Compared to the thousands that were at or around the 9/11 Museum, I would have guessed that maybe 50 people were there between the visitors center and memorial.

At one exhibit inside the memorial you were even able to pick up a phone and listen to actual phone calls made from passengers to loved ones during the flight. There was not a chance in hell that I was going to pick one of those phones up as reading the quotes were sad enough.

The Wall of Names
Following the memorial, it was a couple of more hours driving the set up the last leg of the trip home in the morning.

Day 9

Start: Somewhere in OH
Finish: Madison, WI
Miles: Too many
States: The shitty, toll scamming states of OH, IN, IL, and also WI

I could describe my hate of tolls to you here but I would rather just end this on a positive note. I hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading, and until next time, PEACE!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Road Trip: Days 5 and 6

Start: Old Orchard Beach, ME
Finish: Warwick, RI
Miles: 210
States: ME, NH, MA, RI

The best way to wake up in the morning is by taking a dip in the Atlantic Ocean and I did just that on Tuesday. The rain added to the cold but I toughed it out for you readers.

After breakfast, it was a quick, 20 minute drive north to Portland where we would attempt to see some whales.

Our boat.
The first 45 minutes went great until my stomach decided it was going to act like a punk and basically make the next 3+ hours absolutely miserable. I didn't throw up but I spend most of the time with my eyes closed waiting to get off the ocean. She and I are no longer friends.

We did end up seeing 2 whales so the trip wasn't a complete waste, it just wasn't very enjoyable and it appeared that a lot of other people felt the same way. One couple did get engaged while we were out there and I was soooo happy for them..............

A piece of the Berlin Wall just chilling in Maine.
After that experience, I just wanted to get to the hotel so I could chill in the hot tub and relax. Boy were we in for a surprise as the hotel basically lacked everything essential for being a hotel. There was no hot tub, mini-fridge, alarm clock, breakfast, or even complimentary shampoo. The pool was closed, the towels had stains on them, and the bathtub faucet moved as though Michael J. Fox had been working on it. We basically spent $80 for a room with door.

Start: Warwick, RI
Finish: Secaucus, NJ
Miles: 201
States: RI, CT, NY, NJ

Only in the northeast can you go back to back days of barely driving 200 miles and end up going through 4 states. Today was more of a setup day to get into position to hit up Manhattan in the morning so not much happened.

The jects in the Bronx. 
We made it to New Jersey around 1 pm and had some time to kill before checking in so we headed to downtown Newark to check out the Prudential Center.

If you didn't know, that would be the home of the 3-time Stanley Cup Champion New Jersey Devils. They just happen to be my favorite hockey team so we had to check it out. It would have been possible to take a tour had the arena not been in the process of being converted for an Amy Schumer show. We were still able to check out the gift shop though.

And get a picture in front of this thing. It wasn't the Martin Brodeur statue I was hoping for but it's still kinda cool I guess.

One final note. MetLife stadium is visible from our hotel room and I'm almost 100% sure I can see Eli out there practicing his pick 6's. Must be why he's so good at them.

Tomorrow: The World Trade Center, The Color Purple and hopefully some wild, only in NY shit.