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Saturday, November 26, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 11 Recap

An erroneous whistle on a would be 60 yard TD for Deandre Hopkins might have been the biggest play in YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s season. The call saved Coach Walker's playoff hopes and set his team up with an opportunity to define it's own destiny in week 12.

"Are the replacement refs still out there?? HAHAHAH that was a thing of beauty. You better find that ref and thank him Cole because we lose without it and I would have put that L on you. I benched your ass for ELI FUCKING ROGERS and you didn't complain. I mean, the guy's name is ELI! We've put ourselves in a great position though. Win and we're in the playoffs boys! CAN YOU COMPREHEND THAT? The promised land is so close that I can taste it and I hope you feel the same! GAME BALL. Clearly goes to that bum ass ref that gave us the W! Let's finish it off for him."

"I would like to take this moment to apologize for knocking Muffin Yoface out of the playoffs. It's a nasty business but damn does it feel good to be on this end of it for once. I would also like to give a shout out to the Detroit Lions for giving us the recipe for success. Struggle for 55 minutes and show up for the last 5. Anyways, it's on to the biggest game of the year and the only way I see us losing is if Cousins and Elliot combine for 60+ points. Like that's going to happen! I predict Ebron carries us to the W as he's been on fire his last 3 games. You can quote me on that!"

Week 12 is not the last regular season game of the season but it could cement YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s place in the playoffs. That is, if they can manage to struggle out another win.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 10 Recap

Win by 50 here, lose by 80 there. The last 2 weeks have been the epitome of Coach Walker's career since winning back to back championships in 2009 and 2010. At this point in the season, YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! will need to channel it's inner Conor McGregor to step up and finish in the top 6.

"I'm not even mad guys. Sometimes you just get your ass handed to you. We need to take this feeling of absolute humiliation and bury it deep inside ourselves until we can't handle it anymore. Or better yet, we can all just use it to take shots at Todd Gurley for being an absolute bum on the field! Christ you are bad. I've seen guys in wheelchairs cut quicker than you. Get the fuck out of my locker room until you learn how to play football. If I had to give a game ball this week though, it goes to you Steve. You're always holding me down. Keep it up. Get home safe and be sure to check ESPN. I'm going to have some fun with these media shit birds."

"I don't understand it. I don't know where the lack of juice was. You kind of felt it over the entire sideline. We didn't have the same kind of enthusiasm and encouragement that we had the previous week. So we've got to look deep in the mirror there, because that's just not acceptable. Hahaha did you get that? I was crying like Karen Rodgers. And you want to know why I can trash a chump like Rodgers? Because the double champ does what the fuck he wants! Another pop culture reference for ya. I'm out!"

Every time Coach Walker speaks to the media, mayhem ensues. Fans can only hope YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! will cause some ON the field over the next 3 weeks or it's going to be another long off season. Week 11 brings a crucial match up with 8th place Muffin Yoface.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 9 Recap

A loss this late in the season against an appalling Labatt Sign Smashers would have all but derailed YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s playoff chances but a masterful performance by Coach Walker has the team in control of its own destiny. In the locker room, praise was spread like peanut butter and jelly with a couple of roster shake ups on the side.

"Nice win out there today guys but anything less than that 56 point demolition would have been unacceptable against that squad. Anyways, game ball goes to Jay Ajayi! You make it look easy kid and I hated doing this to you but you and Cam have been traded so get packing your shit. I would like to welcome the best QB-WR duo in the league, Matt Ryan and Julio Jones everybody! Jay may have gotten the game ball but everybody in here deserved it this week. Shit ass Kendall Wright was the only person not in double figures and that's how you win championships so let's keep this train rolling. JULIO! Quit unpacking your shit. ESPN is reporting that I have just traded your overrated ass so get the fuck OUT! You weren't good enough for this receiving corps anyways. Last thing, every game from here on out is a must win so keep the questionable behavior to a minimum. History is upon us!"

"Listen up you reporter scum. It was a massive win for us today but I was already looking to next week. These last 4 regular season games are going to define my career and I've never been more focused in my life. Coach Hansbrough Sr. might have his team in 2nd place but that's only because he hasn't played me yet. I'm on mission to get that elusive 2nd chip and nobody is getting in my way. Walker out!"

Early season chatter had Coach Walker possibly relishing his job but he has since then constructed a roster of talented individuals with the precision of a surgeon and the only thing left to do now is finish it off. A challenging match up with Dillon Panthers who boasts both Le'Veon Bell AND David Johnson looms large in week 11.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 8 Recap

As anticipated, YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! fell to Rustic Raiders. The final score ended up being a far bigger embarrassment for Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Sr. as BOOTY!!!! struggled to even fill up their roster for the showdown. Now with a .500 record, Coach Walker has his work cut out for him in the final weeks leading up to the playoffs.

"If I'm being honest with you guys, I mailed it in this week. I probably could have put in a little effort and Coached us to a victory but beating that chump Ellis Sr. isn't really an accomplishment. I mean this clown gets called a tough guy a couple of times and he loses his shit? Somebody who gets that easily offended isn't fit to be in charge of anything. Anyways, I'm not mad at you assholes for putting up a league low 75 points. This was like a bye week for us and now we have to step up like Channing Tatum or we'll be watching the playoffs AGAIN! No strip clubs, no booz, and definitely NO HOOKERS tonight. I expect everybody to be sober and at practice tomorrow ready to go."

Then Coach Walker had some harsh words for his former best friend.

"Let me start by saying Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Sr. is dead to me. He may still be walking around but he's nothing but a pair of shoes. As I told the guys in the locker room, we could have easily won today but I wanted to make the rest of the season a challenge. The worst team in the league is coming to town next week so I'm already prepping for week 10. The playoffs are there for the taking and I won't let this team fail again."

Coach Walker is determined to make the playoffs but was throwing the week 8 match up against an inferior opponent the smartest move? Either way, YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! will likely have to go 3-2 or 4-1 to achieve their goal. A victory against bottom feeder Labatt Sign Smashers would be a good place to start.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 7 Recap

Expectations were at rock bottom this week as YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! had 3 of its key performers on byes but the 2 time champion Coach Walker showed his brilliance once again and pulled off the astonishing upset. Stellar pickups from the waiver wire and not squandering a single point on the bench helped Coach Walker lead his team to a much needed victory. The win catapulted BOOTY!!!! into 6th place in the standings and couldn't have come at a better time to potentially save this once promising season.

"Just a week ago I was in here running my mouth about how you guys didn't have any heart. How you couldn't cut it in this league! How you were nothing but trash! I'm ashamed to admit I was wrong about all of that BECAUSE YOU GUYS STOMPED THOSE MUFUCKAS INTO THE GROUND! Then you let them get back up and you STOMPED THEM AGAIN! Goddamn was that beautiful. Nothing gets my blood pumping like kicking some ass on the gridiron! Alright, alright, aright let's calm down. Never thought I would say this but the game ball goes to Mike Wallace. You were given the start and you put up serious digits. Nice work! I would also like to give a shout out to Andy Dalton and Vernon Davis for their contributions. For your help, you can pack your bags bitches. YOU CUT! Ahhh I LOVE doing that. Enjoy the win but get ready for that head butting, playbook stealing sonofabitch Dale Earnhardt Ellis Sr."

In an apparent ode to Randy Moss, Coach Walker decided to interview himself post game.

"I'm not going to answer any questions for the rest of the year. If there's going to be an interview, I'm going to conduct it. How did it feel to win this week? It was great man. Whippin a team's ass by 50 is always a great feeling. What is the game plan to beat Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Sr. and Rustic Raiders after last years 2.5 point loss? I'm not even thinking about that busta. He couldn't coach himself out of a fucking phone booth. Next question. Are you concerned about being fined for not answering the media's questions? Nah. What's money to me? I'm rich. Fuck outta here."

A 50 point massacre is always a good thing but YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! will still be a massive underdog heading into week 8. Last year's match up between these two was a classic even after the revelation of Coach Walker's playbook being stolen by the opposition. It's redemption time for Coach Walker as he looks to take a big step toward the postseason.