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Saturday, January 14, 2017

2017 NFL Divisional Round Predictions

Well, I went 0-4 last week and when you hit rock bottom like a dope fiend, the only way to go is up. I suppose I could have made the boring ass assumption that all four home teams would win but this right here, this shit right here, right here, this shit, is purely for entertainment purposes only. Onto the divisional round (in Belichick's voice).

NFC Divisional Game #1-Seattle Jesus Christs @ Atlanta Falcons

Line: Falcons -4.5

The best thing Atlanta has going for it right now is the TV show Atlanta. I cannot stress enough how good this show is and you should definitely quit recording one of your 4 CSI programs and replace it with this. On to the game. The Falcons have recently earned the nickname 'Hotlanta' as Matt Ryan is a legitimate MVP contender and they have scored at least 28 points in their last 6 games but Seattle has Russell Wilson. The man who sold his soul to God so he could win football games and bang Ciara. I learned my lesson last week by picking against him and in my mind, Atlanta is still a pretender when it comes to football. Seahawks 30-24.

AFC Divisional Game #1-Houston Texans @ New England Patriots

Line: Patriots -16

Houston winning this game would topple the 'Miracle on Ice' miracle. The spread on this one is the 4th largest in NFL playoff history and that's only because Gronk is out and Brock Osweiler didn't shit himself last week against Oakland. I think Timmy Brady and Sleeves realize the window is closing on a run at Super Bowl #5 and Houston is not going to be the team to stop them. Patriots 38-10.

NFC Divisional Game #2-Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys

Line: Cowboys -5.0

Here we go again with this Hail Mary bullshit. People are losing their minds as if Rodgers is some mastermind when it comes to throwing the ball 50 yards, having a team play terrible defense and Randall Cobb shoving a defender in the back like he's some drunk gym bro at a bar on a Friday night. I mean, get a grip. Thankfully though, Green Bay is headed to Jerry World where Ezekiel Elliot is looking to make a couple of jumps into that Salvation Army bin. The Cowboys put a shellacking on the Packers during the regular season and this one is shaping up actually be a game but I still see Dallas pulling it off. Boys 33-27.

AFC Divisional Game #2-Pittsburgh Steelers @ Kansas City Chiefs

Line: Even

Once again, Alex Smith is on the cusp of joining the exclusive Smiff Club which only has 3 memebers: Will Smiff (founder), Steve Smiff (CEO), and Emmitt Smiff (President). Alex looks to make it #4 and I think he gets in with a signature win against the Steelers. I envision another shootout as in back to back to back 75 yard TD's between Tyreek, Le'Veon, Brown, or whoever else wants get involved. This is my sleeper for best game. Chiefs 31-30.

Disclaimer: I made these picks last night but posted this after the start of the first game. Just being transparent.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

2017 NFL Wild Card Round Predictions

What happens when you lead your fantasy squad short of the playoffs for the 4th consecutive year? You follow it up by making wild and controversial predictions about the real thing.

AFC Wild Card #1-Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans

Line: Houston -4.0 (meaning Texans are 4.0 point favorites for all you dumb-dumbs)

I'm not totally sure if ESPN Classic still exists but if it does, this game better be cued up for a 24 hour loop as soon as it's over. How can Osweiler-Cook not end in a high scoring shootout like the Rose Bowl? How can it not go down in history with the likes of Ali-Frazer, Balboa-Creed, and Mayweather-Book. Bert Sugar might even jump out of his grave to give his insights on this one. You get where I'm going with this. This game will single-handedly cause Waste Management's stock to skyrocket as people will be throwing their TVs out in droves. Raiders 19-12. A gross ass score for a gross ass game.

NFC Wild Card #1-Detroit Lions @ Seattle Jesus Christs

Line: Seattle -8.5

I can already picture 69,000 Starbucks drinking hipsters celebrating the W. I mean why not? Russell Wilson has God on his side so the NFL might as well give Seattle the Lombardi trophy. But until that clock strikes 0:00, I'm praying that the Lions can somehow summon up the strength to not end this once promising season on a 4 game skid. Whoever God's dad is, I hope he's on Stafford's side. Lions 24-23 on a  Prater last second field goal.

AFC Wild Card #2-Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Line: Pittsburgh -11.0

Pittsburgh is really an 11 point favorite? I know Matt Moore is on the other side of the field but damn, Big Ben is one blow to the head from turning into a vegetable. Christ, can you imagine Matt Moore vs. Landry Jones? Depressing. At least there would still be Le'Veon Bell and Jay Ajayi to make it watchable. The clusterfuck potential for this one is off the charts right now so I'm going to go out on a limb here and pick the Dolphins 27-17.  

NFC Wild Card #2-New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers

Line: Green Bay -5.5

Kryptonite is defined as someones ultimate weakness. Lately, it's quite well known that Green Bay Packers kryptonite is choking in the playoffs and especially against this red bucket holding, dad bod wielding fella above. All of the pieces are in place for another embarrassing playoff collapse for Green Bay on Sunday and I can't see it ending any other way. Beating the Packers AGAIN in the playoffs might not bolster Eli's resume that much but I am going to enjoy it just as well. Giants 31-17.

Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any foolishly inaccurate predictions.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 13 Recap

A devastating loss to Zimmer Down Now has officially ended YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s season and title hopes. Some may call the season a success though as Coach Walker took the 11th ranked scoring offense and had them in position to make the playoffs even with losses in weeks 12 and 13. The only reason BOOTY!!!! isn't in the playoffs is because the tie breaker for teams with the same record is based upon total points scored, not head to head match-ups. A questionable ruling by Commissioner Haines to say the least.

"I'm warning you right now, if you can't handle an outrageous amount of fucks being thrown around, you better get out right fucking now. FUCK you Commissioner Haines for that atrocious tie breaker rule. Fuck you Todd Gurley for being washed, Fuck you Matt Ryan for once again being a pretender. Fuck you Gates and Ebron for the goose eggs in week 12. Fuck you Beasley, Wallace, Boldin, and Matthews for being the most average receiving corps in history! And just for the hell of it, fuck you Yeldon and Crowell. The only one worthy enough to be on my team is Steve Smiff. Steve, you've had my back all year and I love you for it. Fuck the rest of you. At least I'll be able to dust off my golf clubs earlier than I expected. Fuck!"

"Let me ask you hacks a question. Say 2 teams end the season with the same record but one team beat the other by 51 points in a head to head match up. Who do you think should be in the playoffs? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, US! What's the point of whooping a team's ass if it doesn't count for anything? I lost a lot of faith in this league and our chump ass commissioner after that one. Right after the game ended, I'll be honest, I was contemplating retirement but missing the playoffs on some bullshit ass technicality has me incensed and I'll definitely be back next year. I can't let my career end on this shit."

Coach Walker's criticism of the tie break rules may very well have merit but as it stands, YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s season is over. Year long speculation about Coach Walker's future was a hot topic but at least the retirement rumors were put to rest in his post game press conference. HBO is already reporting that talks about a Hard Knocks Season 3 are heating up and the deal is expected to be in the 7 figure range. Despite the tough end to the season, Coach Walker solidified his position in the league and his future looks bright.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 12 Recap

With a playoff spot on the line, YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! had a meltdown that would make Chernobyl jealous. Despite the 50 point massacre, BOOTY!!!! is still in position to join the seemingly elusive playoff club. A win and some help will be needed but they have life and in football, that's all that matters.

"MY GOD, Iv'e figured it out. Our kryptonite has to be lame ass opposing coaches because we keep losing to them. You shit birds had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted and instead of capturing it, you just let it slip. I'm so fucking disappointed right now I could give up on you guys but we somehow have life. It's a safe assumption that HainesHumpsHeifers is going to lose so all we have to do again is win. JUST ONE WIN. All I ask from you every week is one win and if you could deliver this week, I promise that I'll drop anywhere from 5-10 paychecks at the strip club to celebrate. YOU DESERVE THE PLAYOFFS! TAKE IT, IT'S YOURS!."

"I don't have much time for you hacks because I need to strategize about getting this last W and there's not much to say to begin with. We got murked by a clown ass coach and his clown ass team. The biggest game of my career lies ahead though. Even bigger than the back to back championship games I won in 2009 and 2010. I told the guys in the locker room it's another win and we're in situation. The only thing I can guarantee is that if we don't make the playoffs, some heads are going to roll."

All that can be said has been said and it's time to put up or shut up for YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!! A loss will end BOOTY!!!!s season and could very well end Coach Walker's career. The stage is set, the lights are on, and history will be written one way or another in Week 13.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Hard Knocks: Week 11 Recap

An erroneous whistle on a would be 60 yard TD for Deandre Hopkins might have been the biggest play in YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s season. The call saved Coach Walker's playoff hopes and set his team up with an opportunity to define it's own destiny in week 12.

"Are the replacement refs still out there?? HAHAHAH that was a thing of beauty. You better find that ref and thank him Cole because we lose without it and I would have put that L on you. I benched your ass for ELI FUCKING ROGERS and you didn't complain. I mean, the guy's name is ELI! We've put ourselves in a great position though. Win and we're in the playoffs boys! CAN YOU COMPREHEND THAT? The promised land is so close that I can taste it and I hope you feel the same! GAME BALL. Clearly goes to that bum ass ref that gave us the W! Let's finish it off for him."

"I would like to take this moment to apologize for knocking Muffin Yoface out of the playoffs. It's a nasty business but damn does it feel good to be on this end of it for once. I would also like to give a shout out to the Detroit Lions for giving us the recipe for success. Struggle for 55 minutes and show up for the last 5. Anyways, it's on to the biggest game of the year and the only way I see us losing is if Cousins and Elliot combine for 60+ points. Like that's going to happen! I predict Ebron carries us to the W as he's been on fire his last 3 games. You can quote me on that!"

Week 12 is not the last regular season game of the season but it could cement YO TEAM IS BOOTY!!!!'s place in the playoffs. That is, if they can manage to struggle out another win.